Friday, March 8, 2013

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

Hang onto your hats, folks, it's another blog post ~ 3rd one in 3 days!

As I've said before, I blog when I have something worthy to say.  I feel this will be worthy.

As some of you know, I created a video featuring my daughter's reaction to the news that Arkansas is considering removing the eligibility to be removed from the sex offender registry for persons with victims under the age of 18.

Admittedly, I was desparate and felt pushed into a corner, only having two days to prepare for the bill, which was scheduled to be presented Wednesday.

I knew I would draw the attention of the Haters, and I didn't care.  I still don't.  You cannot be an outspoken advocate in this movement without having people hate you.  In fact, some would say you know you've made it as an advocate when people start to hate you.  Over the last couple years, I've learned to develop a thick skin and I've learned to let their trash talk roll off my back like water off a duck.

Still, I thought you guys might like to sneak a peak at what they're saying about the video.  A friend of mine sent me this link alerting me to where the Haters were coming from.  I wouldn't even bother posting it here, but since they actually posted a link on their page to the evil unveiled's ancient trash talk page about SOSEN, I figured they were fair game.

What goes around comes around and karma and all that.

So, here ya go.  Enjoy reading:

The title alone, "Parents Whose Children Have Been Sexually Abused" is enough to make one cringe.  I understand that terrible things happen, terrible crimes are committed by terrible people.  I understand these people's pain and anger, I really do.  My heart goes out to them.  But comparing their own horrible experiences to someone like my husband is absolutely unfounded, but they refuse to see it.  The parents in this group feel victimized.  Their children feel victimized.  But, my husband victim has stated she had a crush on him and persued him, and did not feel victimized in any way.  She says the same thing I do:  That he should have known better.  She grew up to be a well-adjusted woman who now has a family of her own.  She told me herself she never felt like she was victim or that it should ruin her life or anything.  In other words, she is FINE.

And, after my own child sexual abuse, I am FINE, too.  In fact, there are hundreds or thousands, or heck, maybe even millions of us victims who are JUST fine, contrary to what the Haters would like to believe.  We don't all have to hang onto our abuse, clinging to it like it's the only thing that defines us and allowing our hurt, hatred and fear to ruin our lives.

I have to wonder just how many of these parents are actually making it worse for their children.  I am sure there are at least SOME children that would prefer to get help and move on and not let it ruin their lives, but their parents are making them relive the abuse day after day because THEY can't let it go.  These Haters said I was revictimizing my child by having recorded her secretly and posting her reaction to YouTube.  I knew they might say that.  I also knew that if I asked her permission to record her FIRST, then she might not have given an honest reaction, and I knew the Haters would then say it was rehearsed or performed.  I knew it was a lose/lose with them, so that was why I opted for recording first, and explaining my intent second.

Some Haters say they feel sorry for my child but not for what's going to happen to her if her daddy stays on the registry.

Well, I feel sorry for their children, yes, because they were abused in the first place, but more because they are being revictimized every day by a parent who can't, or won't learn to forgive, get help, and let go.  Their hatred for people like me only makes things worse for themselves and their children.  As my friend said, "They seem to think that spending their lives hating others will benefit them.  But, we all know that it won't.  They need to forgive and move on for their own sake.  It's so sad!"

Yes it is sad, so very, very sad.

One of the Haters on YouTube, who is obviously one of the people on the daily strength group actually messaged me on YouTube this message yesterday:

Before you post a you tube video trying to pull sympathy for your case why would you not go into that first... This is a very twisted thing for you to do without thinking about your daughter and her feelings and rights to privacy... So how did your husband end up On that list??? It is hard to get a sex Offender accused let alone put on that list!!! Tell me your story please I want to know why he is innocent ?

To which I responded immediately with:

Thank you for messaging me. I appreciate your interest in this, I really do. It is easy for people to make assumptions about things they don't understand, so let me try to explain things.
I just learned about this bill, SB653, a bill that would severely impact my daughter more than anyone else in my family, including my husband, who has long since adapted to life on the registry. My daughter is only in the 5th grade, and once she gets into high school, having her daddy on the public registry puts her at GREAT risk of harm and harassment. We are doing everything we can to avoid this.
The bill was filed last Thursday and I didn't learn about it until the weekend. I had TWO days to prepare for this bill. Last time I was at the capitol, I testified against another bill in which a senator said to my face, "I don't care about families of sex offenders." Then, on SOSEN's ARC Talk Radio Show last week, the topic was lobbying and a woman in Indiana said that a 13 year old testified against a lifetime registration bill like this and the bill died right then and there.
Admittedly, I was desperate, plus I knew how much my daughter was looking forward to the possibility of her daddy getting off the registry. She talks about it daily, always bringing it up, so hopeful that one day SHE will have a normal life. Maybe videoing her wasn't the best course of action, I acknowledge that. But, when you get pushed into a corner, the way I felt when I learned about this bill, sometimes we don't make the best decisions.
Yes, my husband is guilty of his crime which happened in 1996, he is not innocent. And, he is remorseful. I know the victim, who was 15 at the time, and she told me herself that she had had a crush on him and persued him. It does not matter, he should have known better!!! My daughter wants to blame the victim, and I have to constantly tell her it is not the girl's fault. Daddy made a stupid mistake. Still, is a mistake like that worth punishing a man AND HIS FAMILY for the rest of their lives?
Your statement that it is hard to get a sex offender accused or put on the list is sadly mistaken. It is actually MORE likely that people, particularly jueveniles, will be put on the list than they are to be a victim of a sex crime. I forget the number now, but the majority of people on the list were under 24 at the time of the offense, [I believe the figure is actually close to 1/3] and most were Romeo and Juliet type cases.
There are an overwhelming number of false allegation cases as well, since NO ACTUAL PROOF needs to exist for a conviction in a he said-she said case. The courts will ALWAYS find the defendant guilty. Most false allegation cases are a result of a nasty divorce where there is a custody battle. All the mother has to do is say he touched the child, and it is all over for him and he is in prision and on the list for life.
Anyway, if you are truly interested in learning more about my story you can read my blog at or better yet read my book: Consensual Consequences: A True Story of Life with a Registered Sex Offender. Before you think I am *just* trying to sell my book, you might be able to find it at your local library, and if not, I'd be happy to send you a complimentary copy for free.
It is more important to me to get my story out there than it is to profit from it. Since 95% of all registered sex offenders never reoffend (according to the DOJ), most offenders are people just like my husband who made one stupid mistake and who are paying for it for the rest of their lives, and their innocent families are suffereing the consequences.
Again, thank you for asking. I really do appreciate your interest. I wish more people would start asking questions rather than making assumptions!
There is also more information available at and many other websites out there as well, but I don't want to overwhelm you. Please, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. I appreciate it.

Unfortunately, she has not replied back nor has she shared my message with her fellow Haters, even though she has since posted more trash talk on their page.  Why didn't she share my message with her group?  I would send ANY of them a free book if that is what it took to get them to open their eyes and  look past their own hatred and fears and see that there could be a difference between their monstrous abusers and men like my husband.

My good friend says this of fear:

Incidently, there is another group on dailystrength who are showing their support of the video and what we do.

I appreciate their support greatly.  To them, I say THANK YOU.


  1. Lynn, I want to thank both you and your daughter for allowing us to see your unscripted, unrehearsed and in my opinion, very personal and raw moment. I hope you both know there are supporters for you both out here.
    Have you ever noticed when there is a story written about a person being convicted of a sex crime, there is never a paragraph written about how the victim (unless it is forcible rape)feels about the sentencing? That's because many times it's a family member or trusted person close to (and I wish there were another word to describe them) the "victim" and I believe the consequences of what happens to the adult can inflict as much or more psychological harm on the victim as the act or prevent a victim from coming forward at all due to the fear of what might happen to the adult.
    It is fact that once caught, very few offenders re-offend with another sex crime. I wish our criminal justice systems could find a way to move towards intensive counseling rather than long periods of incarceration, thereby keeping families together, offenders connected to their communities and in their jobs; all of which have been shown to help reduce recidivism.
    Thanks Lynn, to you and your daughter.

  2. I am in full agreement with what both the original writer wrote and what "Just Me" added. The fact is if the abused lets go of their anger at the abuser they are able to move on and live normal lives. Forgiving is not letting the abuser off the hook. Forgiving is giving up the bitterness that often follows the abuse. If you believe in Jesus Christ and know He has forgiven your sins, you are required to forgive others, including those who abused you. If He covered your sins, didn't he also cover his?

  3. I think that after sexual abuse occurs, nearly every person goes through a period of feeling like a victim. Right now, you feel victimized and likely so does your daughter, by a government program designed to protect children, which is harming your own. If you didn't feel that you were being victimized in some way, you would not be called to action. When you see your daughter cry over what she feels is an injustice, do you feel her pain? I think you do, you seem to care very much for your daughter's feelings. It is the same for the parents of abuse victims. For many, a support group online may be the only action they feel safe enough to take right now. I'm sure you've called lawmakers all sorts of unkind names and so it will be in a support group. It is natural for these parents to feel helpless and angry over the injustice that has occurred to their own children, just as I'm certain you have felt helpless and angry over the injustice to your daughter. Isn't this why you made the video? After reading your blogs, it seems that if you could go back, you would make a different decision regarding how you approached the video, but you were hurt and angry and so reacted. I can see in your blog that you are angry with the people who disagree with your position. Perhaps putting a link to a site in which people are trying to work through their anger and very personal situation was not the mot appropriate decision. I fight for the registry, but not for all. In my own situation, if there had been registry many year ago, there are 4 people I know personally who would not have been victimized. Regardless of my personal opinions, I will defend my position respectfully and will not post any hateful remarks. I only ask that you please remember that you share the same feelings as the "Haters", even if for different reasons.