The Victimization of Victims

Here I am, with another blog post.  I guess, on average, I post maybe once a month, which isn't a lot.  I'm just not one of those people that blog every day or on some kind of regular basis.   I don't want to waste your time -- or mine -- with small talk... you know...  blah, blah, blah.  I never wanted this to be a blahg.  I gotta have something to say. 

I have been thinking about this topic for quite some time. That's what I do. Something gets stuck in my head and sits there, simmering, or maybe festering, like a splinter in my finger that I spend days just hoping it will fall out. It won't fall out. I know I have to do what I don't want to do, and dig it out with a needle.

OK, so this is not that graphic, but I know that this thought just won't go away until I deal with it and talk about it, so here goes.

So I've been advocating for changes to sex offender laws, for what, the last five years, and prior to that, I've been sitting on the side of sex offenders since meeting my husband in 2001.

It's like football. You have two teams: Sex Offenders vs. People Who Hate Sex Offenders. They are battling it out on the field, trying to get possession of the ball and make a touchdown. I don't like football, but there I am, sitting in the bleachers rooting for my team, the underdogs. Who is on the other side rooting for the other team? Victims, that's who. I hate that word. I hate that there even has to BE victims, but there are. And, since Americans have become so victim-oriented, their numbers are growing by the thousands, daily. Victims of everything from boiling hot coffee in the McDonald's drive-thru to victims of horrific crimes such as forced rape and murder. Almost every American is a victim of something.

So, there they are, thousands of them, millions of them, all sitting in the bleachers on the other side chanting their cheers and rooting for their team, which appears to be winning. And, all the while I am rooting for my team, a small still voice says, "they want you to sit on the other side, too." Because, as I have shared before, I am also a victim of child sex abuse.

Only thing is, I'm not. Not any more. And that, my friends, is my point. Ever since my appearance on the Dr. Drew show, when he so luridly suggested I was attracted to pedophiles (excuse me while I vomit), I have been looking within myself and wondering why on earth would someone -- a supposed doctor -- suggest such a thing? That statement really struck a nerve because it was just so plainly WRONG.

Looking back upon my young life and those tender years while I was being molested by a family member, I never once thought of myself as a victim. Not then, and not any time since, and yet, in truth, I was, I really was. I have to acknowledge that fact. I believe the reason I felt I wasn't a victim was because I encouraged the abuse. It wasn't the sex I was seeking, but the closeness and intimacy that comes with it, and as wrong as it was, the relationship I had with the adult who committed the molestation was one out of love. He never forced me, he always approached our encounters with love and affection -- something that was lacking in my life and something that I desparately wanted and needed.

Was I groomed? Yeah, I guess I was. As an adult, I can see that. I never really had considered that before now. I don't think he intentionally set out to groom me and pursue me sexually, I think it was just something that happened, but the bottom line is he should have known better and should not have done it.

After I told my mother about the nature of our relationship, she promptly sent me to counseling. She did NOT report the abuse to the police (thank God) and she did everything she could to ensure that there would be no more sexual contact between me and this person, which was 100% successful. What she did was, in my mind no doubt whatsoever, the absolute BEST thing she could have done for our family. No other course of action would have rendered better results.

Most sexual abuse victims are abused by family members or someone close to them. If the victims are given a choice as to the method to end the abuse, they would likely choose to handle the abuse within the family, in a positive manner, or with a professional counselor. Perhaps they are traumatized enough by the abuse OR by it being discovered, that they fear that punishing the abuser and sending them to prison would result in even more trauma. They don't want their family ripped apart; or their lives turned upsidedown. All they want is the abuse to stop, to get help, and learn to heal. Counseling for both the abuser and the abused is truthfully all that is really necessary in most cases. I am so grateful that this was the course of action for my own abuse.  Boy, do I consider myself lucky.  If law enforcement considered the feelings of the victim, there wouldn't be so much fear to report the abuse, and let's face it:  Reporting the abuse, even if only to a family member, is the first step in making it stop.

Now, in instances of violence or forced sexual contact, that would surely warrant a more serious approach, and if it would make the life of the abused better, prison would certainly be a viable option. But, often, too many times, victims are not asked for their opinions or questioned in any way. I know of many cases of sex offenders who are now married to their victims, and how those victims declare as loudly as they can that they are NOT a victim, and yet no one listens to them.

Why are we afraid to speak to victims and to listen to them? Here, we have the best resource at our fingertips to determine how best to handle the offender. If a victim is hurt or angry, then that should be factored into the punishment of the offender. If the victim is declaring consensual contact and/or how they love the offender, etc, then why can't that be considered in the case against the offender? Why does every person whoever engaged in consensual contact be punished the same as a violent offender?

Instead of talking to these victims, we tiptoe around them like they are fragile antique china, ready to shatter into a million pieces at the mere mention of their sexual abuse. Why? Because we don't want to victimize victims.

If offenders are made to undergo a lengthy process of assessments, evaluations and questioning, why aren't the victims?  If the case goes to court, victims (unless too young to comprehend) should be asked to testify.  After all, the accused person's life is on the line, and they should be afforded every chance to prove their innocence.  If victims were questioned, perhaps more false allegations would be discovered.  Too many offenders are rotting in prison for something they did not do.  If false accusers realize the seriousness of their allegations, they might think twice before reporting false accusations.

No system would be perfect, I am sure many victims truly are victimized by being questioned, but even Jaycee Lee Dugard healed enough to tell her story.  If she can do it, others can, too.  Telling their story can be a part of the healing process, and every story needs to be considered.

If a victim is truly traumatized by the abuse, then sure, I understand the hesitancy to talk with them about it, but many are not. Many do not consider themselves victims at all. Many, such as myself, want to scream to the world, "I am NOT a victim." Some were, once, but are not NOW. Some never were victims at all. Their voices are silenced as if they are just as fragile as victims who have suffered the worst forms of abuse or violence.

Being a victim does not define who they are or who they will be come. Just because someone was a victim once does not mean that they have to spend the rest of their lives as a victim. I am tired of people telling me that I am a victim and being made to feel like I am still a victim. That is total bullshit. I WAS a victim. I own it. You can't change it. I am NOT a victim now! And because I am NOT a victim now, I will never believe that once someone is a sex offender, they have to BE a sex offender the rest of their life. I believe that they WERE a sex offender. Being a sex offender does not have to define what a person is, who they are, or who they will be in life. The notion that "once a sex offender, always a sex offender" is the biggest load of crap since "once a victim, always a victim".

I wonder about my husband's victim. I don't know much about her, admittedly, and here lately, I've been thinking I would like to talk with her. I want to know how she feels, how she REALLY feels. Does she feel like a victim? In the past, I've always felt like she just wanted to be left alone and I assumed that it was because she was embarrassed about what happened. The stories I've heard by other members of the community that knew her then have not painted her in the best light. I was told she had something of a reputation. I guess I did, too, at that young age, and so I have always identified with her in that way... but, maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe there are other reasons for her wanting to be left alone.

Maybe her story is completely different than my husband's, and if that is the case, then I would be totally open to listening to her. Never before have I been interested in listening to her. But, then, I never felt the need or never felt ready. I feel open to it now, no matter what she would have to say. I want to know if she considered herself a victim and if she still considers herself a victim. I want to tell her it's OK if she does. I want to tell her that I would understand, and I do believe I would understand...  I feel like I want her voice to finally be heard, good or bad.

But, meanwile, just don't label me a victim.

When you label someone a victim, then you are expecting them to feel like a victim. And, if they don't want to feel like a victim, then you are making them feel like something is wrong with them, something like "being attracted to pedophiles" for example. When you label someone a victim, then THAT is the thing that is victimizing them all over again. Every time someone says to me "I am sorry you are a victim", they are victimizing me again. Before they said it, I WAS a victim. After they said it, they make me a victim again. I am sure I am not the only one that feels like I am being victimized by people telling me I am a victim.

I have never felt more victimized in my whole life than I have in these last few years. If you want to think of me as a victim, then consider me a victim of these stupid laws instead. I AM a victim to these laws, in many, many ways. Many of my rights as an American citizen have been violated, not by my husband, but by the American legislation. THAT'S what gets my feathers ruffled; my hackles raised. I have never been convicted of any crime, but I am treated as a criminal.

OK... so go ahead, label me a victim.  I'm still gonna root for the same team.

Ready to See the Trainwreck?

Here ya go:

http://youtu.be/b30lwyZ15Q8

Currently, this video is unlisted as I wanted to check the quality first before making it public.  It seems to be fine.  Feedback is welcome and appreciated.

My Interview on the Dr. Drew show today

Photo: My appearance on the Dr. Drew show tonight.

"Once a Fry Cook, Always a Fry Cook"

I'll explain that in a minute.

First, pedophile defined, as found on wikipedia: As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia (or paedophilia) is defined as a psychiatric disorder in adults or late adolescents (persons age 16 or older) typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally age 13 years or younger, though onset of puberty may vary). The child must be at least five years younger in the case of adolescent pedophiles (16 or older) to be termed pedophilia.

Um, hello? My husband is NOT a pedophile, Dr. Drew.

Today, I was interviewed by Dr. Drew for his show which aired tonight on HLN. I was told by the very nice producer that I would be asked questions about SOSEN, my book, and my feelings about the Sandusky case. Wrong-o! I spent the whole time defending my decision to marry a sex offender. GAH!!!! The interview went horribly wrong. So horribly wrong that it is almost comical.

OK, it IS comical. I am actually laughing.

I was totally and completely ambushed by Dr. Drew who's objective was clearly to sensationalize and belittle women who choose to marry sex offenders. And the worst part was seeing, "THE MAN IN MY LIFE WAS A PEDOPHILE" in a banner above my name during the whole interview. Let me clear this up right now: I did NOT marry a pedophile!!!!

Not only did Dr. Drew call my darling, loving husband of ten wonderful offense-free years a pedophile, Dr. Drew continually interrupted me and wouldn't let me explain my reasons for choosing him as a husband.

The state of Arkansas has NEVER labeled my husband as a pedophile. He is not, nor has he ever been a pedophile. I'd like to add that not all offenders NEED treatment, as suggested by Dr. Drew. Just because a guy makes a mistake one time does not mean he is a predator, pervert or pedophile. My husband went through a lengthy invasive stringent interview and assessment. If the professionals who assessed him felt he needed treatment, then he would have certainly received it. No one has ever suggested he get treatment because no one ever felt he needed it.

I, however, as a child sex abuse victim, DID need treatment in therapy, and I DID receive it. I went to counseling for about 2 or 3 years after the abuse, and it did me a world of good. I KNOW, without a doubt, that I was not "attracted to pedophiles" as Dr. Drew luridly suggested.

My explanation is this: I felt that with my unique experience with child sex abuse, that I would be acutely alert to any inkling of sexual deviant tendencies of any man I brought into my life. Prior to meeting my current husband and during my divorce, I was cautioned by my own father how common it is for men to molest their children, ESPECIALLY if they are step-children. I knew I would have to be extraordinarily cautious about who I brought into my life.

When I met my husband, I did not know he was a sex offender. Once we began to build a relationship and once we saw that there was a potential future together, he told me about his one and only crime that happened in 1996. It was now 2001, I did the math, it had been five years and no offense since then. As he explained to me what happened, I could see that he was completely remorseful and ashamed of what happened. He had learned a very hard lesson in life and had paid his debt to society. He was not on the registry at the time and was not made to register. At that time, he was leading a normal life as a free citizen and a successful contributor to society. I figured, well, it's a low-level crime, after all, the girl was well known in the community as being a sexually active teenage girl and she had wanted to drop the charges. I met her personally and talked with her myself.

Finally, I concluded that my children were actually SAFER with a man who had made a mistake, paid dearly for it and learned his lesson, than they would have been with someone who had never offended who had the potential to offend.  95% of all sex crimes are committed by first offenders - people who are NOT on any list.

Still, I took every precaution I could in preparing to bring this man into my life and into the lives of my children. I even sat them down and told them that if he ever touched them or ever made them uncomfortable in any way, to come and let me know immediately. That never happened.

He has been a very good father to not only my two older children, but also our young daughter. He has also been a very good husband for me. We have been married ten years. It has been 15 years since his offense, his one and ONLY offense.
Studies show that offenders who re offend do so within the first three years.

So at what point do we stop punishing people for what they did one time many, many years before?

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I was once a fry cook. And not just once, either. Multiple times, over and over again for a period of just under a year. Am I still a fry cook? No, that's ridiculous.  I am no more a fry cook than my husband is a pedophile.

A Prayer for Eugene

For a couple years now, I have been working our support hotline two days a week.  Last week was a below average kind of week, very few calls and emails, presumably due to the Thanksgiving holiday.  This week, WOW, has it been busy!  I've had more calls today than I have had in one day, ever, I think.

The very last call is by far the most memorable, though.  There was just something about this guy, something that really touched my heart.  I thought I would share a little bit about him with you.

His name is Eugene, a seemingly middle-aged gentleman with a strong Indian accent.  At times, it was difficult to understand him, but as he spoke, there was a peaceful kindness in his voice, absolutely no bitterness or anger or anything.  Currently, he is living in Los Angeles, released from prison just three months ago.  He is forbidden to talk with his wife or family.  He is completely isolated and alone and he is homeless.  He told me he feels like he is still in prison, and I don't doubt that he is...

Sometime during his incarceration, he found God and began leading a Christian life.  He goes to church.  He has a pastor.  He has made some new friends.  He has found a way to get at least one meal daily several days a week.  Four days a week, one church offers $2.00 lunches.  Another church offers a free lunch three days a week.  Another offers a free meal on Sunday nights.

Eugene joined a senior center and enrolled in free yoga or tai chi classes as well as a free computer class.  He says he has the time since he doesn't have a job.  He is trying so very hard to be compliant with his restrictions and he is terrified of accidently violating his parole and upon purchasing a cell phone today, called his parole officer immediately to give him his phone number.  The second call he made was to our support hotline.

When he asked his pastor where he could park his car overnight without getting into trouble, the pastor advised him to park it at a 24-hour fitness center.  Eugene wanted to be sure there would be no trouble, so as insurance, he purchased a membership so that if asked by police, he would have a legitimate reason for being there.  He waits until the wee hours of the night or morning before entering the building to take a shower.  He sleeps in his vehicle.  He bought a sunshade for his windshield so that it wouldn't get too hot in his car.  He mentioned experiencing leg cramps while trying to sleep at night and I suggested he get some bananas, not knowing if he could afford them.  I did not ask him where what little money he has had came from.

Through all of this, his attitude has remained positive and spiritually he is at peace.  He shared me with how he has suffered moments of depression and despair and has even thought of suicide, but he has searched his heart and soul and feels that God has a better purpose for him.

I feel it, too.  And, I am not a particularly religious person.

Eugene seemed so grateful to just be talking with me on the phone.  He repeatedly thanked me and expressed his appreciation.  I felt like I was doing nothing, just sitting on the phone and listening, but then I realized if I were all alone with no one to talk to and I found myself with an understanding ear on the other end of the line, I would be grateful too.

I gave Eugene some contact info for some people in California and suggested he attend the next RSOL meeting in L.A. this Saturday.  I hope he goes.  I feel that if he does, he can make more connections with people, something he really needs.  I truly got the sense that more than anything in the world, this man needs compassion and understanding from his fellow man.  He asked me to pray for him, and I assured him I would.

And then I did something I have never done with any hotline caller.  I asked him if I could call him back in a week to see how he's doing.  He seemed delighted by my request.  So, next Wednesday, I plan to give Eugene a call.  Perhaps he'll have some good news to share with me that I can share with you.

Please pray for Eugene!

ATAT "It Could Be You" First Broadcast this Wednesday!

This coming Wednesday (October 12) will be Arkansas Time After Time's first airing of their radio show, "It Could Be You". The show will begin at 12:00 noon central time and run for an hour. This week's featured guest will be yours truly and I will be talking about my book and my involvment with ATAT and SOSEN.

You can listen to the broadcast online at http://www.kabf.us/. We will be taking callers and we encourage anyone who wants to ask a question or comment on the show to call in.

SOSEN and SOS - NOT the same organization!

Hello all, figured it was time for an update...

My apologies for being so intermittent with my posts here but rest assured, I am still fighting the good fight and still working diligently towards sex offender legislation reform, at least from my chair.

At SOSEN, I have been very busy with updating all of the brochures to reflect the new change of address, participating more on the member forum, working the hotline two days a week, and trying to get the next newsletter out, which I'm still working on. All the while, being a Mom and a wife and maintaining my graphic design duties. Just finished a really big issue for an online magazine and I have more projects awaiting my immediate attention. You'd think Life on the Mountain would be all serene watching deer and squirrels at play, but sadly, lately, I've barely stepped foot outside.

Oh, and I almost forgot: I've been planning my daughter's wedding, too! She is getting married here on the mountain next month and there is still a ton of planning to do...

I'm not complaining, I like being busy, but I am finally learning the limits of what I am able to do. Recently, I've even declined to take on more responsibilities which is just as foreign to me as trying to speak Japanese.

Still, last week, when my good friend and fellow ATAT (Arkansas Time After Time) representative Carla, asked me to accompany her to Fort Smith to attend a community meeting at the Fort Smith police department for a presentation on sex offenders. I thought, oooh, that sounds like fun and I dropped everything to go. In attendance were maybe eight people. Not a huge crowd by any means, but Fort Smith Detective Michael McCoy gave a thorough presentation and invited the audience to participate. We brought our materials from ATAT and were given many opportunities to bring to light the problems with current laws and how they affect offenders and their families. One woman was there because her friend was currently incarcerated for an internet crime and told how it was a clear case of entrapment.

At one point, the detective was talking about residency restrictions and came right out and said they don't work! We were thrilled to hear that he felt that way.

Overall, I think we did great work there and handed out our brochures. Channel 5 news were there and interviewed me. Here, you can see a very short piece of the interview in this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3CoWM7rU-s

I really didn't like the way they took my statement out of context as I had been talking about anti-sex offenders and the way my statement is portrayed, it sounds like I am talking about sex offenders. Oh well. I've learned a lesson there. Note to self: Don't use the word "wolves" when referring to people who hate sex offenders. Even Detective McCoy was portrayed as someone who hates sex offenders, but he wasn't like that at all. They completely took his statements out of context as well.

I was really happy with the way they featured Arkansas Time After Time in the news story, though, so that's something.

Yesterday, I learned how Barbara Farris has decided to try yet another business venture and start up an organization called Sex Offender Solutions (SOS). Of course, for a $45 fee, this smacks of a scam, but she promises to find housing for sex offenders -- people we all know she flat out hates. Of course, all any sex offender has to do is use another service in the same area provided by Randy Young and he won't ship you off to some remote camp in the middle of nowhere. His housing solutions are real solutions.

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/broward/sfl-sex-offender-entrepeneur-b071809,0,7478279.story

A reporter from Fox Channel 35 contacted us through our hotline yesterday seeking Ms. Farris' contact info, clearly contacting the wrong organization. I immediately returned his call and reached his voicemail. I left a message just saying who I was and who I was with and left my phone number. Since he did not call me back and this news story appeared today, I took that to mean that he was able to get the contact information he was seeking.

http://www.myfoxorlando.com/dpp/news/local/092511-Sex-offender-village-planned-for-Lake-County

Still, I took it upon myself to email the reporter anyway. I shared numerous YouTube videos on Ms. Farris, included a bullet point list of her colorful history and invited the reporter to check out SOSEN.org and our materials and also the library of articles about her on http://absolutezerounites.blogspot.com/. I encouraged the reporter to call me back, but frankly, I am not holding my breath. We shall see. Some of the news media is starting to catch on that the typical "grab your torches and pitchfork" type articles against sex offenders are increasingly waning in ratings in favor of the real truths about the ridiculousness of the laws, how they don't work and how much money is being spent to implement them. I am hopeful that Fox 35 will see the veritable gold mind they could have just by reporting the facts about the laws, SOSEN and SOS and the lovely Ms. Farris.

Stay tuned.

The RSOL Conference - St. Louis, MO

I have been home for a few days after my trip to Saint Louis for the RSOL (Reform Sex Offender Laws) Conference there this last weekend. I confess, being of sound mind and 48-year-old body, I needed a few days to recover after such a tremendously incredible experience. Once I was home, I totally crashed, and hard. My brain was (and still is) on information overload. Big time.
Words cannot describe the feelings I was having all during and after the conference. If you ever find yourself singled out in a world of inequality and discrimination and then attend an event such as this where you meet 120 or so like-minded souls who are in the same boat, then you'll know just what I am talking about. It is an amazing experience to say the least.

Originally, I planned to drive my van with a group of 4 or 5 people but then a flying box spring that came off a dump truck last week thwarted my plans by smashing in my driver side window, severing the side view mirror from the vehicle and crumpling my left front fender. (Fortunately, my daughter and I survived the incident with only a few minor scratches.)

Plans were changed and I went from driver to passenger in my friend, Lora's, car. Both Lora and her hubby went, and we had a nice drive up, even taking the time out for a short break shopping at Chico's in Springfield. (Lora's hubby was a good sport!) My other friends from Arkansas Time After Time (ATAT) took alternative modes of transportation.

We arrived Friday evening, just in time for the opening of the registration. On the way down to the ground floor, I met my good friend and SOSEN staff member, "Mouse". We put some materials on the resource table they reserved for SOSEN. My Arkansas group set up their ATAT table as well, which was VERY well represented. I was very proud to be an Arkansan!

After the welcome and announcements from RSOL , there was a wonderful organizer's panel discussion on Successful Strategies for State Organization Building that included a question and answer session with the audience, followed by a presentation from the RSOL Admin Team on their new vision for RSOL, which also included a question and answer session.

Once the evening's program was ended, SOSEN staff members and I gathered together in the lounge to have what we called a "sticker party". We had over 200 10-page packets that had been Mary Duval's last work and I had printed and cut up about 1,000 or so stickers to cover up areas where the old P.O. Box and phone numbers needed to be replaced with SOSEN's new address and hotline number. With such great teamwork, we got the job done within a couple of hours. In the morning, we would be able to put the packets out with the rest of the SOSEN materials.

Saturday, Amy Borror, Legislative Liaison for the Ohio Public Defender's Office started off the day with a powerful address on where we are today with Ohio's compliance with SORNA, clearly showing where all the problems lay with the system and why it is so flawed. Following that were a choice of three workshops.

My Arkansas group (ATAT) and I split up so we could take part in the different workshops and I attended the one on Team Development, which was really very good. The workshop gave me lots of useful tools for developing and implementing projects that I can use both with SOSEN and ATAT.

After lunch, there was a beautiful tribute to Mary Duval followed by a welcome to me as the new CEO of SOSEN, for which I gave a short speech. I was incredibly nervous, by hey, years ago I gave a short speech in front of large room full of people including the Arkansas Governor and if I can do THAT, I knew I could do this. After my speech, I also introduced Carl P., of SOSEN Florida, and he gave a short speech as well.

I'd have to say the highlight of the day, though, would have to be the presentation by David Day, Missouri State Representative on Building Relationships with Your Elected Officials, and I'm sure everyone in the audience appreciated his candid approach to all of the political topics that were talked about, and some of things he said were VERY eye-opening.

Saturday afternoon, there were three more workshops and again my Arkansas group and I split up. I took in the one called Building a Coalition - Networking with Like-Minded Organizations. Another great workshop! I have so many ideas now!

After the workshop, I met with one the leaders of the newly formed organization, Women Against Registry. He talked at length with me about the organization, showed me the layout of the directors and illustrated to me how valuable this organization can be because it puts the focus on the families of offenders instead of the offenders themselves. I believe it will be much easier to publicly support, and I am excited about it.

I went to dinner with the ATAT group and after that, attended more the conference before attending a reception between the RSOL coordinators and the SOSEN staff. It was really great to really sit down and talk with each other about connecting the dots and building bridges with each other's organizations. I was so impressed with such a dynamic group, and felt proud to be part of it all. I thoroughly enjoyed myself!

Sunday morning, I attended one more workshop while my friends attended the other two, and finally Tim Russo, the first American with a sexual felony to run for office gave an inspiring talk on "Reclaiming Dignity on the Campaign Trail" and left us all with a serious can-do attitude. It was so refreshing and inspiring to hear Mr. Russo's story, and it was a great way to end the conference.

I understand there will be a DVD available within a couple weeks and I highly recommend purchasing one whether or not you attended the conference. I know I will buy one! Please visit http://www.reformsexoffenderlaws.org/ for more information.

Next year's conference will be in Albuquerque, New Mexico, September 7 - 10. I've already marked my calendar. Be sure to mark yours, too!